So my daughter Olivia was born a skeptic of most things. She is not the child to casually take for granted every idle folk tale passed along the verbal pathways of older tongues. No, she is a child, rather, who will work her very hardest to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that what you tell her is real.
We have been to see Santa twice this Christmas season. Along our merry way Olivia has establish a set of five time-tested rules as to whether the Santa we are visiting is the real deal or not. The first Santa we visited passed with flying colors. The second Santa was 0 for 5.
So without further ado, here is Olivia's Fool Proof Real or Not Santa Test, 2011 version.
1. Does the baby cry when placed in Santa's lap?
When visiting the real Santa last week, baby Erilyn was as silent as a mouse. We got a good picture. She was comforted in Santa's jolly red lap. That means he was a real Santa.
The pretender that we visited earlier today had my little angel wailing like a siren. That means he's NOT THE REAL SANTA!
2. Does his beard come off when you pull on it?
Santa's beard grows into his face, and is not a wig. When you tug on it, it does not come off. BUT, don't tug too hard, because remember: if it is the real Santa, you don't want to hurt him this close to Christmas.
Pretenders will either lose their beard, or grab their beard to keep it from separating from their face. Either way, NOT THE REAL SANTA!
3. What color is Santa's sleigh?
The real Santa will always be sitting in a sleigh. It must be red. If he's in a chair, or if the sleigh is, oh, say black, he's NOT THE REAL SANTA!
4. Does he refuse to give you want you want?
This test requires ingenuity. You must ask Santa for several odd items. "Can I get a lamp for Christmas?" "Can I have an icecream cone for Christmas?" Keep asking, trying to find something that he says no to. If he says he can bring you all of that, then you're in luck! If you get one no, he's NOT THE REAL SANTA!
5. Will he ever part with Rudolph?
Once your Santa passes the odd items test, you must ask him this one last question: "Will you give me Rudolph for Christmas?" This is the only present request that Santa may the refuse. The real Santa will NEVER part with Rudolph. That little old reindeer is far too important for old Saint Nick. If he says, "Sure, sweetheart, you can have Rudolph!" then you know for sure that he's NOT THE REAL SANTA!
Merry Christmas everyone! I hope all your Santas are real.